Worried About Missing My Greatness!

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As a women who has recently turned 40 I am quite often asking myself when I will achieve my greatness.  When will I do that one thing that makes me who I am, that makes me feel that I have achieved something in life and made my mark, so to speak.  I have been down and out for several weeks now, avoiding the social media world as I feel I have had nothing to say that is of any importance.  I was also feeling badly about the amount of time I was spending on my computer when my 3 year old told me that I was always looking at it and not playing with her.  Heartache!!!!  So I took a little break to spend more time to focus on my 3 kids during the day, and in my time away from this beast called the internet, I realized something.  I have achieved my greatness, 3 times over as a matter of fact. 

It may be cliché, and it may be corny, but it is my truth.  My 3 kids are my greatness.  They are my mark, my triumph, my future and my everyday achievement.  Nothing will ever mark me in this world as they have.  Now all I have to do is make sure the marks I am leaving in the world are good ones.

A Nerve is touched by a blog post “Parenting donor conceived children: Is it different?”

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I saw this blog post from OliviasView  called Parenting donor conceived children:  Is it different? several days ago when it popped up in my inbox.  The title certainly intrigued me and usually I read her posts as soon as they get to me.  But this one sort of struck a nerve and I did not feel like I wanted to deal with the topic at the time.  However, today for whatever reason, I felt like I wanted to tackle it, and not just with a quick read but with an actual point of blogging about it.  So here is my 2 cents!

Oliva Wrote:

“The uncomfortable truth is that very few of us would have chosen to have a child in this way. We would have preferred to have the child of the person we love and live with. The delight and joy at being pregnant/giving birth/raising the child is likely to be tempered at one time or another by sadness that this is not the child of the person we love: for me – not the child I had in my mind when I imagined what OUR child would be like. For some people using DI or egg donation, this acknowledgement of difference happens when the child is quite young -the complete lack of physical resemblance to the non-genetic parent, the emergence of traits which seem to come from no-where. For me it happened slightly later. Our first DI child had been a difficult baby and a hyper-sensitive toddler and child. When he was seven or eight I went through a period of finding it very difficult to relate to him. It was only when I realised that it was because he wasn’t living up to my fantasy of what I wanted our child to be like – he wasn’t displaying the qualities and talents I had wanted a child to inherit from Walter – that I was able to mourn the child we couldn’t have together and accept our son for the truly lovely person he really is. I could not feel closer to him now.”

The post hit home for me and addressed a lot of my own fears and concerns about raising donor conceived children and wether or not that made my parenting different from those parents who were able to both supply the genetics for their children.  I have not yet looked at my children and felt any disconnect, and to be honest, reading that part made me feel very sad and extremely fearful that one day that might happen to me, I really can’t bare the thought of ever feeling a sense of distance from my own child.  I have blogged about my struggle with my monthly “Auntie Flow” and how even though I know I can NEVER have a genetic child with my husband, I hate her because she keeps taking that little bit of a fantasy away from me every month.  She really can be a nasty bitch!  You can read my post all about that here:  “Still Playing Head Games With Myself”

Olivia Wrote:

“and it’s amazing how much extended family conversation in particular revolves around who looks like who and where various talents (or horrible habits) might have come from.”

It is incredible to me how sensitive I am to this situation.  A large part of my husbands family does not know that we used donor sperm and therefore the conversation constantly comes up when we are at get togethers about who looks or acts like who, and I am always uncomfortable in these moments and tend to freeze up.  Surprisingly my husband is the one to immediately perk up and respond with something light and funny to fill my silence.  It is one of those things that I wonder if I will ever get over.  My kids are very young still, 2 and 3, and I am not sure if they pick up on the awkwardness that I am feeling. When they get older I hope I have a better way of handling it because if I continue to treat it like a negative situation then that will certainly reflect onto them and how they feel about being DI kids.

Olivia Wrote:

“I am not, however, talking about being ‘a perfect parent’. This is a trap we can easily fall into because our children are so wanted. We absolutely do not need to feel guilty at being infuriated, yet again, by our much sought after children.”

I often have the guilty feelings when I am feeling frustrated or angry with my kids.  How can I be feeling like this when these little angels were so wanted by us, and we worked so hard to bring them into this world.  It has been an internal struggle for me over the years, and I get extremely pissed off when I am just being a ‘normal’ mom and telling my parenting woos of being tired and cranky to someone who knows our situation and their responses are “well, be careful what you wish for” or “Well its what you wanted” …uggggghhhhhhhh, is just feels like a slap in the face.  I suppose that I still have a lot of work to pull myself out of guilty mommy mode on this one!

Olivia Wrote:

“…What of the future? Walter and I assume that at some point both our children will go through a range of feelings about their inability to know more about one half of their genetic inheritance. These feelings may range from sadness to real anger at having this information denied them. It is our guess that this may not happen until they are quite a bit older, possibly contemplating having children themselves and/or doing a mid-life stock-take, making family connections etc. Although they will be autonomous adults by then, what they will be going through will be the result of a decision Walter and I took many years before, so I think we have a duty to be there for them, emotionally at least, for the duration. I don’t think it would help to feel guilty (as I know at least one adult offspring’s mother does). Nevertheless we have to accept responsibility for the decision, and support our children whatever way we can, although we cannot be ultimately responsible for their happiness or success in life.”

This has to be my biggest fear about raising DI children, when are they going to get mad at me, when are they going to turn to their father and in a moment of anger say “You’re not my real Dad”, it makes me tear up and cringe every time I think about it.  We made choices for them and now we have no choice but to live with them and try to understand them.  A while back I wrote this in a blog post, and it still holds true for me today when I read this part of Olivia’s post:

“I have said it before and I will say it again, I don’t want to live my life based on fear.  Fear of my fellow man and how they will take my information and use it against me.  This fear was embedded into my psyche as a very young child and I was always told to keep the family secrets to myself.  I have struggled with this concept as an adult many times and especially when it comes to having donor conceived children.  I DO NOT want my decisions to affect my kids negatively, especially when I feel so strongly about them, and my decision to talk about my family being created through donor conception is one of those tough choices I have had to make.  I have made my bed and now I have to lay in it, these children have been created using donor sperm and I will never regret that.  I have chosen to talk about it over the www via a blog (a very mommy thing to do these days)!  I have chosen to tell them they are donor conceived, and I chose to use an anonymous donor.  Yes I have chosen for them, but as parents that’s what we do until they are adults and then they go off and choose to create or not create their own families and they will make choices on how and when they will do that.  My fear can not run my choices but neither can my heart, there has to be some sensibility to it all and I will be the first to admit I am not sure I am there yet!”

Olivia’s Post has touch a real nerve with me today, but not a bad nerve, just one that brings the fact that I am raising donor conceived children to the forefront after weeks of pushing it aside and busying myself with everyday life.  I am reminded that I need to have these days where I look at them and focus on how we are going to tell them and when.  Focus on making sure they never feel badly about being donor conceived and focus on keeping my emotions and feelings in check so that I never make them feel like our decisions were ones we regret!

Babies turned Two and Mommy Withdrew!

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Self sabotage is what it really is and it is something I tend to do when things start going well.  I have always acknowledged openly to others that I can do this from time to time, but I don’t always remember to remind myself when I am in the starting stages of the withdraw that will lead to my eventual failure. Of course it is always right when everything is going really well and I have new things on the horizon and life seems to be in a peaceful, serene state that I slowly start to bury my head in the sand, and this time was not different.

My last post was April 25th “Allow Me to Introduce Myself” and I was and am excited to be starting a new adventure of having a weekly column on the LeanOnUs.co website called PandeMommium as well as being the moderator of the Parenting section of the forums.  I have also decided to start an entirely new blog called PandeMommium where I can write and post exclusively about my kids.  I know, I know another Mommy blog, but I feel that it is such a huge part of my life that I want to separate it from this blog and leave all my posting about me as a Women and a Writer here and dedicate another blog to me as a Parent of twin 2 year olds and a 3 year old.  So it begins, things are going well and I have found focus.

Plus, life is good on the home front, the kids are all amazing (although crazy) and after years of infertility turmoil we have the perfect family we wanted. My marriage to my husband is as good as it has ever been and we are all happy and healthy.  Yet another reason to be feeling the high of the upswing in life.  My schooling went well this past year and I left for the summer break with an 80% average, how could anything be more perfect.  Oh Yeah, I started my weight loss program and I have lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks and am sticking to it all very successfully.  So of course it was the perfect time for me to withdraw from life.  Lock the doors, turn off the phone, ignore the computer and hide inside.

The weekend arrived and I still had not reminded myself that I was in full swing ignore life and all the good things that are happening, mode.  I proceeded to feel sorry for myself the day of the twins birthday and refused myself food as a way to try and control things.  I hung back and tried my best not to socialize to much, busying myself with the kitchen clean up and the changing of bums.  The next day was easy to ignore as well, it was busy and we were running around picking up a swing set for the kids and then spending the day setting it up.  Days were coming and going and I was not being productive at all in progressing any of the things that I had been trying to build over the past year.  Then Monday came around and I realized where I was and what my subconscious had been up to ….. SABATOGE, and immediately I thought of a vlog that I had watched from one of my fav on line people Stephen Dimmick @ Daily Dimmick.  He has spoken very openly about how he also has a habit of missing the good things and opportunities because as he puts it he is “Afraid of Success, not the Failure”…. take a look at these two vlog posts he did, can you relate, I know I can!

After I took the time re-watch these in order to give myself a good kick in the ass, the fog started to clear.  No right away, I still needed one more day to pull it all together and get focused and organized.  But today I feel back in the right space and am facing all my challenges head on.  I can’t promise anyone that it won’t happen again and that I won’t slip away into hibernation for a few days or a week, as it was this time.  But I can say that every time I approach these times I am more and more aware of what is going on and am finding tools and making connections with people that help me to buck up and fly straight!

Needless to day today has been wonderful, it is beautiful and sunny and the kids have been doing crafts outside all day.  I have been catching up on my work and working on new ideas in between pushing kids on the swing, picking flowers and rocks, fixing the fairy house, setting up the painting area and wiping up painted toddlers, feeding one diapering and hugging and kissing boo boo’s away, ahhhhh life is perfect and I am back in the game!

So come check out the new look at Lean On Us and my column PandeMommium and the Parenting forums, the site has been going through a big overhaul and will be getting a new look and new sections on May 5th, 2012.  You can find me there then!

Also check out my new blog PandeMommium bear with me though as I am currently just getting it up and running!

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

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I was recently invited to join the team at Lean On Us and contribute to their goals and visions, and to their success of reaching those who need a place to come and share, wether it be good, bad, happy or sad we all need a place to be able to be heard.  I have copied and pasted a blurb from their About Us Page:

“Friendship is what inspired the start of this site in the hope of helping others to find friendship and support by either making contact with other members or by finding support through reading personal experiences.  We all love to have fun but more importantly it’s so nice to be able to have discussions about our everyday lives and the issues that can affect us.  Life can be tough; from time to time we can all experience short or long periods of uncertainty or difficult circumstances.
We hope that in us sharing our thoughts with you, that you will be encouraged to open up and not to feel so alone in this world.”

I am currently the new moderator of their Parenting Forum, and once they get their new site up and running I will have a column on their main page.

I thought I would share what I wrote on the Lean On Us Forums as my introduction here on my blog, and hopefully you will all come over and take a look around the LeanOnUS.co website and join in the conversations!

“My name is Allison Rouble and I am a married SAHM of 3 kids.  A 3 year old daughter and 2 year old boy/girl twins.  I originally ventured into the online world with my blog several years back when we got pregnant for the first time with our daughter who unfortunately did not make it and was still born at 5 months.  This was extremely devastating for us as we had been suffering from male factor infertility for the 7 years previous and had finally made the decision to use donor sperm to create our family.  However, we moved on and eventually had the children we so desperately wanted.  I start blogging in an attempt to find other moms/families who also had children born from donor conception and what I found was so much more.  I discovered I had more to write about then just being a mom of donor conceived kids, I also found that I got great joy from interacting with others about being a Mom, A Wife, A Student (yes I am also back in school), etc.  Most importantly I found an online world of friends and family.
I branched out into the social media arena and started finding other blogs and websites that I thought might be of interest to me and through that I found Lean On Us.  I was delighted when I got an email from Sonya asking if I would like to participate in their website and I immediately jumped on it and joined in eager to help them in anyway they thought I could.
I will be the new moderator of the Forums under Parenting and with their help I have selected a few topics that I feel are important.  Please join in, ask me anything, my life as you will see from my blog and once you get to know me better here is an open book.  I am not shy nor offended easily.  I love the personal interaction, so please feel free to email me about anything if you are feeling to shy to ask on the forums.
I look forward to getting to know all of you!”

Rib Eye Steak Salad with Greek Feta Dressing…only 335 Calories!

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I just made this amazing salad for lunch and it was super tasty and healthy, thought I would share it here with everyone:

 

I just made this amazing salad for lunch and it was super tasty and healthy, thought I would share it here with everyone:

Left Over Rib Steak on a huge Salad with Kraft Olive Oil Greek and Feta Dressing, only 335 calories.

Generic – Rib Eye Steak, 2.5 oz
Cucumber – Peeled, raw, 50 g
Celery – Raw, 50 g
Lettuce – Red leaf, raw, 75 g
Chives – Raw, 0.5 tbsp chopped
Coriander (cilantro) leaves – Raw (Cilantro, raw, Chinese parsley, raw), 0.13 cup
Carrots – Baby, raw, 50 g
Veg – Green Onion, 1/8 cup (25g)
Generic – Ground Organic Flax Seed, 0.5 tbs
Kraft – Extra Virgin Olive Oil Greek Feta Salad Dressing, 2 Tbsp

Damn You Swiss Chalet!

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I was on a role, a great one.  4 pounds down in one week, and then it happened, the invite from my mother in law to lunch at Swiss Chalet.  At first I was strong and I said no, I used the kids as an excuse.  3 kids 3 and under in a restaurant with only 2 adults to supervise is a bad idea, and this was the truth.  But then I started to think about a nice juicy Chicken on a Kaiser with that savoury dipping sauce and I was done.  Off we went.

I did my best, I ordered my Chicken on a Kaiser, and a baked potato, and I only dipped my sandwich every other bite to try and conserve my calorie intake.  I only poured sour cream onto my potato no butter, this had to work.  But then I forgot that I was also ordering 2 kids meals.  Chicken fingers and fries, Pizza and corn.  I tried so hard, I really did, but those fries where right there and I had to handle them to put them on the kids plates and a few accidentally went in my mouth.

Round One:  Then it happened, the first kid melt down and ice tea all over the child, the floor the table the highchair.  As I am frantically trying to gather up my soaking wet, cold child and the diaper bag to get him changed, all eyes are on me, I can feel my back getting warmer from their heat seeking stares.  The waitress had to get the mop bucket to clean up and when I got back to the table with a now cleaned up child, I felt the stress and I shoved half a chicken finger in my mouth.  I felt better for the moment.

Round Two:  things are going relatively well after the first fiasco, and then we went for round two.  My 3 year old who is in the throws of potty training starts crying and squirming and Yells at the top of her lungs “I Have To Poo”, she repeats this while I once again grab the diaper bag and try and gather her up and race her to the bathroom, again I can feel the familiar warmth hitting my back as I pass all the starring eyes on my way to the potty!  Back at the table I am so please to have a quiet toddler who has done her business and I am even more glad to see that there are still french fries to be consumed, this time it is no accident, a handful goes into my mouth!

Round Three:  Well it wouldn’t be a proper outing if all my children didn’t have a kick at the can, so the third one decides its her turn.  For whatever reason, and I am guessing it was just pure joy, she decided to pick up her entire plate and hurl it like a frisbee, and I’ll admit for a 2 year old she’s got a great arm.  As the plate flew threw the air food spun off of it onto two other diners tables, her mushed up fries, pizza, corn and chicken mixing into their soups and salads.  Oh man!  She was laughing with hysterical, maniacal, glee….a strange cackle really!  People were not happy and now the stares that they were trying to be discreet about are full on in my face bold furrow browed glares!  Sorry!  What else can I saw?  What else can I do?  Oh yeah I haven’t tried the pizza yet!  It’s good!!!!!!

Damn you Swiss Chalet with Your Sultry Chicken and Savoury Sauce! Now I can only have 2 tbsp of Mayo with my tuna today instead of 3!

The Coolest Guy is the one who has the Fastest Car and Drives it the Slowest!

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Recently my oldest girlfriend and I got together and we were talking about our kids.  She has a stepson who is just wading his way through teenage land and she is right there going through all the trials and tribulations with him.  The break-up with the first girlfriend, the new girlfriend, the sex talk, the drivers license talk!  All of these things are mere mentions in my life right now as my kids haven’t even started school, but they certainly get me thinking back to the days of high school and the drama that it was, and the boys, oh the boys……

She gave him what I think is a solid piece of advice “The coolest guy in school is the guy who has the fastest car but drives it the slowest because he doesn’t have to prove anything!”  I LOVE IT!!!!!

 

So what is it I want my kids to learn from my teenage life experience, my angst, my boy drama, my girlfriend cattiness, driving a car, field parties, skipping school, drinking, sex….oh my god, my head is spinning.  I know I have a ton of time to teach them all this before they are at the stage to need the advice and my husband and I often just make the joke that as long as we manage to keep the girls off the pole and teach the boy to respect girls, we have done a good job, but in that glibness I think there may actually be some truth.

As parents we perceive who and what our children are going to be and how they are going to be formed by our upbringing.  Before I had kids my husband and I talked endlessly about how we would always give our kids choices.  They would never hear “No” from us.  For example, they want to go to the Zoo today, but that is not possible, so we explain to them that we cannot go to the Zoo today and instead they can choose from one of two options 1) a walk in the park 2) visit with Grandma.  This seemed perfectly reasonable to us as perspective parents.  Let me tell you reality hit hard!!!  Options don’t mean crap to a toddler who wants to go to the Zoo, all they want to hear is let’s go.  I never dreamed that child having a temper tantrum could  be so focus driven.  So the options quickly become a non-option in our house, and the word “NO” became a familiar ring in all of our ears, and thus we slowly realized all those late night chats of how we were going to bring up our children and influence their lives had to be flushed and more reality based ones needed to be put firmly into place.

So the toddler years are in full swing and I once again I find myself chatting with my girlfriends about who my children will be when they are teenagers, the only difference is my head is no longer in the clouds but set squarely in place on my now sensible parenting shoulders.  I have thought many times about the advice I wish I had gotten from my parents about being a teen and this is what I wish I had been told:

Girls:  Don’t worry about him, if he doesn’t like you, believe me another will come along.  Be a strong individual, be compassionate and never, ever judge anyone.  You DO NOT have to go with the crowd or the flow, you are allowed to rock the boat, it doesn’t make you a bad person it makes you who you are, a Smart thinking person.  You are beautiful, everything about is perfect, believing in yourself will allow you to believe that.  All your thoughts, emotions, ideas, tears and fears are valid and real!

Boys:  Respect women, but do not let them walk all over you.  Be a best friend and a buddy, and never judge.  Stick up for the little guy and defend your thoughts and your voice, what you have to says important.  You are smart, clever, sensitive and true.  This world is here for you to envelope and explore.  Never be afraid to cry, to ask for help, to show your true emotions or come to your mommy for a hug.  All your thoughts, emotions, ideas, tears and fears are valid and real!  Oh Yeah, and remember that “The coolest guy in school is the guy who has the fastest car but drives it the slowest because he doesn’t have to prove anything!”

It’s Just Time!

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Okay so maybe it’s selfish BUT I need it!  It’s time for this momma to take care of herself.  For the past 5 years I have either been trying to get pregnant, been pregnant or been taking care of 3 tiny little humans who are extremely cute and very demanding.  There have been many, many times during these years that I have said I would start to lose the baby weight and eat better and try and shower everyday, maybe even just brush my hair on a regular basis, but every attempt has failed and I just end up shrugging my shoulders when it does and running to wipe a nose or a butt.  I always pick a new start day, New Years, My Birthday, Monday Morning, and each day comes and goes with no progress, and really no plan.  Yesterday though, was different, it wasn’t planned, it wasn’t any special day, and it wasn’t a big deal…..it was just time!!

So it starts and I am not using one method to do this but a combination of ideas.  Some my own and some I have stolen from others, and I am hoping that all these tools and plans will result in me feeling a 100% better about myself.  I am not putting a time goal on it, but I do have a weight loss number.  Starting yesterday it was 52 pounds I wanted to lose, and I perhaps if I am honest with myself it was that extra 2 pounds that crept up on me  over night that pushed me to finally get serious about this.  For some reason saying I had to lose 50 pounds didn’t seem as bad as saying I had to lose 52 pounds.

Here are some of the tools I plan to use and some of the exercise I hope to incorporate in order to make my weight lose a success!

Tools:

  • First I downloaded an app for my phone called “MyFitnessPal“, it is amazing, it tracks everything, counts calories, exercise, and you can have a whole community of friends to connect with for motivation and accountability and its a FREE APP with a supporting webpage.

  • Then I stole a great idea from another blogger who is on her own weight lose journey “Bored Mommy”  she is doing the weight watchers program and I am not sure if this is a weight watchers idea or hers, but I am stealing it and doing it.  She wrote a blog called “Weight Watchers Week One And 100 Shiny Gems”  the idea is you place the the exact number of tiny little gems or beads (for example) into a Jar and then whenever you lose weight you move the corresponding amount of gems to weight lost into another Jar.  Its a great idea.
  • After talking with a friend today about how many calories I probably consume just from picking at the kids food she suggested that I put a bowl no the counter and every time I pick something off their plates put it in the bowl and then at the end of the day I can see how much extra food I would shave eaten.  I plan on doing this for a few days or so, just to get a visual idea!After talking with a friend today about how many calories I probably consume just from picking at the kids food she suggested that I put a bowl no the counter and every time I pick something off their plates put it in the bowl and then at the end of the day I can see how much extra food I would shave eaten.  I plan on doing this for a few days or so, just to get a visual idea!

Exercise:

  • Walking on nice days with the kids, it won’t be fast paced but it will count.

My Hubby Walking With The Kids

  • Weights, little free weights with my own made up little routine when I can find a little bit of time to sneak away and do it.
  • 3 -4 times a week I want to use my stepper for 30 minutes.  I am going to tell my hubby that I am shutting myself in the bedroom, watching an episode of Grey’s or something and doing this.  He can watch the kids for at least 30 minutes????
  • Then I figure I must burn some calories just chasing around 3 kids 3 and under…that certainly has to count for something!!!

So that’s it, my start……

I am adding a Rewards section:

First Goal 10 Pounds: Reward – Mini Makeover

Second Goal 20 Ponds:  Reward – A Massage

Third Goal 30 Pounds:  Reward – Hair Done

Fourth Goal 40 Pounds:  Reward – Spa Day with Daughter

Fifth and Final Goal 52 Pounds Lost:  Reward – New Cloths

I Had A Sperm Donor Baby and Dove into the Fear!

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I was rummaging through some of my old paper work looking for a quote I used to like and I stumbled upon something that has brought me out of my writing slump.  I have been avoiding my blog and any of the blog challenges I took on at the beginning of the month (but I will write more about the blog challenges in another post).

This piece of paper was folded up, tattered and along with the important words that were on it, there were also directions to a moms house for a play date.  But this is why the paper is so important. It is a letter I wrote to my daughter when she would be just 3 months old, and it is a letter that got haphazardly filed away and not looked at until now, 3 years later.  But what strikes me most about it is that the words and the message are still so very real today, the only difference is that I am far more proactive in finding the facts for her and the concern I had about upsetting my husband has subsided and I have pushed forward with my goal to create a community for myself that involves half-siblings for my now 3 kids, and my openness with all my friends.  I talk freely about my children being donor conceived and I answer any questions that people have for me and I also take the criticism with a grain of salt.  I admit to my mistakes and am trying achieve exactly what I wanted to 3 years ago when I wrote that letter, happiness and purpose for my children.

 

Here is the letter I wrote March 7th, 2009:

“It wouldn’t be fair of me not to provide you with as much happiness and sense of belonging that I possibly can in regards to the way we have chosen to bring you into the world.  However, I am in a bit of a pickle, I not want to upset the man I love, your Daddy.  I have my two greatest loves and I only want for both of you to have a happy life.  The problem is providing you with all the information I can will potentially upset your Dad, but if I don’t then I potentially risk upsetting you.  What is to become of my feelings, all I know is that I am confused and scared and I feel very lonely with the other moms.  Sometimes when they share their stories of conceiving and how much their husbands look like their babies, who got who’s eyes, mouth, mannerisms, it is all I can do to hold back my tears.

I feel like your Daddy doesn’t understand where i fit into all of this or my desire to fit in somewhere.  I feel good talking to another mom who is in the same life situation I am in, I don’t feel like I am walking around with a secret.  I need to make sense of all of this in order to have it makes sense for you.  I want it to be a happy life for you, I don’t want my desire to have you be a sad, lost experience for you.  I love you my sweet baby girl!!!!”