I was rummaging through some of my old paper work looking for a quote I used to like and I stumbled upon something that has brought me out of my writing slump. I have been avoiding my blog and any of the blog challenges I took on at the beginning of the month (but I will write more about the blog challenges in another post).
This piece of paper was folded up, tattered and along with the important words that were on it, there were also directions to a moms house for a play date. But this is why the paper is so important. It is a letter I wrote to my daughter when she would be just 3 months old, and it is a letter that got haphazardly filed away and not looked at until now, 3 years later. But what strikes me most about it is that the words and the message are still so very real today, the only difference is that I am far more proactive in finding the facts for her and the concern I had about upsetting my husband has subsided and I have pushed forward with my goal to create a community for myself that involves half-siblings for my now 3 kids, and my openness with all my friends. I talk freely about my children being donor conceived and I answer any questions that people have for me and I also take the criticism with a grain of salt. I admit to my mistakes and am trying achieve exactly what I wanted to 3 years ago when I wrote that letter, happiness and purpose for my children.
Here is the letter I wrote March 7th, 2009:
“It wouldn’t be fair of me not to provide you with as much happiness and sense of belonging that I possibly can in regards to the way we have chosen to bring you into the world. However, I am in a bit of a pickle, I not want to upset the man I love, your Daddy. I have my two greatest loves and I only want for both of you to have a happy life. The problem is providing you with all the information I can will potentially upset your Dad, but if I don’t then I potentially risk upsetting you. What is to become of my feelings, all I know is that I am confused and scared and I feel very lonely with the other moms. Sometimes when they share their stories of conceiving and how much their husbands look like their babies, who got who’s eyes, mouth, mannerisms, it is all I can do to hold back my tears.
I feel like your Daddy doesn’t understand where i fit into all of this or my desire to fit in somewhere. I feel good talking to another mom who is in the same life situation I am in, I don’t feel like I am walking around with a secret. I need to make sense of all of this in order to have it makes sense for you. I want it to be a happy life for you, I don’t want my desire to have you be a sad, lost experience for you. I love you my sweet baby girl!!!!”