I saw this blog post from OliviasView called Parenting donor conceived children: Is it different? several days ago when it popped up in my inbox. The title certainly intrigued me and usually I read her posts as soon as they get to me. But this one sort of struck a nerve and I did not feel like I wanted to deal with the topic at the time. However, today for whatever reason, I felt like I wanted to tackle it, and not just with a quick read but with an actual point of blogging about it. So here is my 2 cents!
Oliva Wrote:
“The uncomfortable truth is that very few of us would have chosen to have a child in this way. We would have preferred to have the child of the person we love and live with. The delight and joy at being pregnant/giving birth/raising the child is likely to be tempered at one time or another by sadness that this is not the child of the person we love: for me – not the child I had in my mind when I imagined what OUR child would be like. For some people using DI or egg donation, this acknowledgement of difference happens when the child is quite young -the complete lack of physical resemblance to the non-genetic parent, the emergence of traits which seem to come from no-where. For me it happened slightly later. Our first DI child had been a difficult baby and a hyper-sensitive toddler and child. When he was seven or eight I went through a period of finding it very difficult to relate to him. It was only when I realised that it was because he wasn’t living up to my fantasy of what I wanted our child to be like – he wasn’t displaying the qualities and talents I had wanted a child to inherit from Walter – that I was able to mourn the child we couldn’t have together and accept our son for the truly lovely person he really is. I could not feel closer to him now.”
The post hit home for me and addressed a lot of my own fears and concerns about raising donor conceived children and wether or not that made my parenting different from those parents who were able to both supply the genetics for their children. I have not yet looked at my children and felt any disconnect, and to be honest, reading that part made me feel very sad and extremely fearful that one day that might happen to me, I really can’t bare the thought of ever feeling a sense of distance from my own child. I have blogged about my struggle with my monthly “Auntie Flow” and how even though I know I can NEVER have a genetic child with my husband, I hate her because she keeps taking that little bit of a fantasy away from me every month. She really can be a nasty bitch! You can read my post all about that here: “Still Playing Head Games With Myself”
Olivia Wrote:
“and it’s amazing how much extended family conversation in particular revolves around who looks like who and where various talents (or horrible habits) might have come from.”
It is incredible to me how sensitive I am to this situation. A large part of my husbands family does not know that we used donor sperm and therefore the conversation constantly comes up when we are at get togethers about who looks or acts like who, and I am always uncomfortable in these moments and tend to freeze up. Surprisingly my husband is the one to immediately perk up and respond with something light and funny to fill my silence. It is one of those things that I wonder if I will ever get over. My kids are very young still, 2 and 3, and I am not sure if they pick up on the awkwardness that I am feeling. When they get older I hope I have a better way of handling it because if I continue to treat it like a negative situation then that will certainly reflect onto them and how they feel about being DI kids.
Olivia Wrote:
“I am not, however, talking about being ‘a perfect parent’. This is a trap we can easily fall into because our children are so wanted. We absolutely do not need to feel guilty at being infuriated, yet again, by our much sought after children.”
I often have the guilty feelings when I am feeling frustrated or angry with my kids. How can I be feeling like this when these little angels were so wanted by us, and we worked so hard to bring them into this world. It has been an internal struggle for me over the years, and I get extremely pissed off when I am just being a ‘normal’ mom and telling my parenting woos of being tired and cranky to someone who knows our situation and their responses are “well, be careful what you wish for” or “Well its what you wanted” …uggggghhhhhhhh, is just feels like a slap in the face. I suppose that I still have a lot of work to pull myself out of guilty mommy mode on this one!
Olivia Wrote:
“…What of the future? Walter and I assume that at some point both our children will go through a range of feelings about their inability to know more about one half of their genetic inheritance. These feelings may range from sadness to real anger at having this information denied them. It is our guess that this may not happen until they are quite a bit older, possibly contemplating having children themselves and/or doing a mid-life stock-take, making family connections etc. Although they will be autonomous adults by then, what they will be going through will be the result of a decision Walter and I took many years before, so I think we have a duty to be there for them, emotionally at least, for the duration. I don’t think it would help to feel guilty (as I know at least one adult offspring’s mother does). Nevertheless we have to accept responsibility for the decision, and support our children whatever way we can, although we cannot be ultimately responsible for their happiness or success in life.”
This has to be my biggest fear about raising DI children, when are they going to get mad at me, when are they going to turn to their father and in a moment of anger say “You’re not my real Dad”, it makes me tear up and cringe every time I think about it. We made choices for them and now we have no choice but to live with them and try to understand them. A while back I wrote this in a blog post, and it still holds true for me today when I read this part of Olivia’s post:
“I have said it before and I will say it again, I don’t want to live my life based on fear. Fear of my fellow man and how they will take my information and use it against me. This fear was embedded into my psyche as a very young child and I was always told to keep the family secrets to myself. I have struggled with this concept as an adult many times and especially when it comes to having donor conceived children. I DO NOT want my decisions to affect my kids negatively, especially when I feel so strongly about them, and my decision to talk about my family being created through donor conception is one of those tough choices I have had to make. I have made my bed and now I have to lay in it, these children have been created using donor sperm and I will never regret that. I have chosen to talk about it over the www via a blog (a very mommy thing to do these days)! I have chosen to tell them they are donor conceived, and I chose to use an anonymous donor. Yes I have chosen for them, but as parents that’s what we do until they are adults and then they go off and choose to create or not create their own families and they will make choices on how and when they will do that. My fear can not run my choices but neither can my heart, there has to be some sensibility to it all and I will be the first to admit I am not sure I am there yet!”
Olivia’s Post has touch a real nerve with me today, but not a bad nerve, just one that brings the fact that I am raising donor conceived children to the forefront after weeks of pushing it aside and busying myself with everyday life. I am reminded that I need to have these days where I look at them and focus on how we are going to tell them and when. Focus on making sure they never feel badly about being donor conceived and focus on keeping my emotions and feelings in check so that I never make them feel like our decisions were ones we regret!
Don’t be so hard on yourself Allison. You are clearly a great mom.. and by by the way, two and three are great ages to start the ‘telling’ process. I suspect once you have started, and discovered that your children do not react or reject you or your husband, you will feel much better You can buy a copy (or copies as you have three children) of the DC Network book Our Story, for children conceived by sperm donation into heterosexual couple families, from Infertility Network in Toronto…or direct from DCN website, http://www.dcnetwork.org
Olivia, my 3 year old watched an episode of Dora where Dora’s Mommy was pregnant and then had Boy/Girl twins, just like I did, all of a sudden she was asking, how did the babies get out? Oh Boy, so it has started. I have told her how she and the twins got out of Mommies tummy and I am just waiting for her to ask how they got in…I am taking my cues from her to gauge her readiness for the conversation. And you know,just like any other ‘normal’ parent, I am also dreading the conversation. We have already had to establish all the girl bits and boy bits and their names, and I decided to use the actual real terms for them, penis and vagina, so we may as well keep up with using the correct terminology and give them the basics via the truth!
The Our Story books are particularly good because they help to keep our answers straightforward and simple, thereby allowing children to ask further questions as and when they are ready.
Fascinatingly some children don’t ask many questions and in this case it’s important for parents to be pro-active in introducing the books and the idea that sometimes mummies and daddies need some help to have a baby and also that all families are different. It’s not a question of pushing information on children or talking about it all the time (which some parents do because they so want to get it right!), but just using hooks that come up in everyday life to hang further bits of information on. Children can begin to know about DC before they understand how most people make babies. Oddly, it’s easier this way round. Also have a look at the Telling and Talking booklets for parents on our site. You can download each one, and you only need the first one now, for a very small fee.
I support very much what wise Pronoia has to say too, particularly about all teenagers going through a stage of hating their parents and saying rejecting things. It’s no different for DC young people. Just like all the others they need their mum and dad to stand firm, in an assertive but also kind way.
Another good, honest post.
I have one question and I don’t mean to nag, I just hope you consider this issue before it’s a current one:
If your husband’s relatives don’t know but your children will know, will you expect them to lie? To hide the origin of their existence? If these comments now make you feel troubled, how will they feel about having to lie about who they are, so they can pass as family for those that might not accept them if they don’ pretend to be genetically related? That’s a very heavy burden to place on a child.
I suggest you tell these people or not have your kids see them after they’ve been told.
Pronoia, I always appreciate your comments here on my blog and on Facebook because they truly make me think, and I will be honest, this was one I did not think about. “Will I make my kids lie” NO is the answer. His parents and brothers know, but that is it. His Dad and Mom are divorced and both have significant others and step children, none of them know, but all of them are a big part of our lives. The reason they do not know is not because we did not want to tell them but because they choose not to. No excuse on our part, but I just never thought about it until now. Our kids love all of their extended family and see them frequently, so I am going to have to have a conversation with them all and let them know that this is going to be something that is told to everyone. I really do not think my Father-In-Law and his family will have any problem with any of it, BUT my Mother-In-Law has openly said to me, when I was in the hospital after my first was born, that this was a private family issue and I probably should have said something to her then, but I had just had my first kid via emergency c-section and was sort of drugged and out of it, so I let it slide, but I know she still feels that way 3 years later. Excuses, Excuses……
Thanks for asking, because it seriously has not something I had thought about, BUT I WILL NOT ASK MY KIDS TO LIE EVER about being donor conceived!
Thanks for the reply and the clarification. The bit in the post could have been interpreted in many ways – I’m glad my interpretation was wrong (“all these people would disown your children if they found out they weren’t related to them”).
I’m also glad your children will not be expected to be undercover agents. You might actually want to start thinking of ways to go all-public in your husband’s family fairly soon. Small children who are inquisitive enough to be told all sorts of things are also notoriously unable to keep them in – you have three-year-olds now, right?
Oh geez, yeah that was totally not how I meant it to seem. None of them would ever disown my kids, they are all very good grandma’s and grandpa’s, aunt’s and uncle’s, and in all fairness to those who have not been told I have no idea how they would react and should never assume it would be negatively.
And yes to the small kids and the inquisitive nature and also their incredible ability to repeat what ever they are told. I am going to have a chat with hubby this week and discuss all this, as I said it really wasn’t something I had thought about. Maybe we need to get a sitter and go for a nice dinner and figure out how we are going to go forward with it all. Sometimes when you are in the throws of toddlerdome it is easy to set all this aside and let it go for another day. My twins are 2 and my oldest is 3…..and she is asking about where babies come from and how they get out of mommies tummy! So we are there, ready for the talks to start!
Something to think about too is that gossip thrives on the idea that “I know something you don’t”. You know that nobody is going to stop loving your children because they are not your husband’s biological offspring. You do know that in your heart right? If you tell your family members then none of them will feel empowered to sneak around and say anything behind your backs about it. Because in the end all of your family would end up knowing and some of them would not have been told directly so then they’d be acting like they know something they should not know and they’d be like high school girls. You can cut that off at the quick and tell them that if they have any questions about any aspect of the process they can ask you any time.
I’m not a total fan of the DCN approach to telling and talking, I think in part its the fact that they sell their advice that’s a little off putting. But if you are in the situation you get more mileage out of just leveling with folks in your family so that nobody has that feeling of having privileged information. It does make it no big deal as Oliva says, she’s not wrong about that. Just know that making it be no big deal can go so far as to imply that them not knowing their genetic family is no big deal or that they are not half of who they are genetically had to be revised or replaced in order to be accepted into the family they know and love.
I wish there was a way to be open and honest from the get go as Olivia suggests that embraces the child for exactly who they are without making them feel that their mother would have really preferred them to be the offspring of her husband and that would be much better if they were related to him rather than the donor. That is the challenge of being open and honest I think. You seem up to it.
Marilynn…
I really take offence at you talking about DCN ‘selling their advice’. We run a tiny little charity that makes no profit whatsoever and we charge as little as we can for our publications. We talk to people on the ‘phone for hours even if they never join the organisation and answer complicated questions by email without charge. There would be no books, meetings, advice line or support in the UK without DCN making the small charges it has to in order to keep going.
Olivia I believe that you personally would never take money from the people you help for the help you give them. I believe you donate your time and do not draw a salary from the fees paid for those publications. I do think you personally are ethical and are above capitalizing on the problems of the people who seek DCN’s help.
If you have any influence with DCN you might suggest that if they wish to be viewed as a charity they might want to pattern their business model after one and see how they manage to offer information and service to those in need at no charge. Its my understanding that The Heart Association or Cancer Association collect donations in order to provide free services. They throw benefits, have bake sales put those little cans at the grocery store for people to drop their change into…they have telethons and walk a thons and raffles for nights out on the town and weekends at the spa.
Charities don’t look to the group they are trying to help for funding. It would never occur to me to take money from any of the families I’ve helped never never never. I’d be real careful about anyone who offered to help me help others too I’d question their agenda. I turned down ABC’s money when they wanted to pay me to take over some of the people who I was trying to help because those people made for good tv but they did not want them to have any dark histories or emotional problems. I thought they were being exploitive and I really could have used the 20 grand or whatever it was. I told them to F off and I found that girl’s mother within a couple days of that.
I don’t question your motives Olivia I just am uneasy with DCN charging people that need the info and then still trying to say they are a charity surely you can see the problem with that.
I do have a problem with that Marilynn. Charities cannot operate without money. We have office staff who need paying for the work they do. I am sure you have work or some kind of income that puts food on your table. Well people who work for charities have to eat too. I do draw a salary and have no problem with that whatsoever. My commitment is completely untainted by the money.
OK but charities don’t ask for money from those they are trying to help. They use money from donations raised through fundraising efforts in order to perform charitable services for free to those who need them.
You can’t be offended if someone says that DCN sells its literature. They have chosen to model their organization more like a business than a charity. Can you really fault anyone for making note of that?
Let me be more direct then. Why does DCN not have fundraising efforts to underwrite its charitable services? Then it would have that special charity like feeling to it.
All charities, at least in the UK, sell publications. They do this to keep other functions of the organisation running. We have had grants from the UK government and have currently been awarded a grant from the Nuffield Foundation to write further supporting books and booklets for DC children aged 7 – 11 and DC families. The money will underwrite the research and writing time of the authors and pay for illustrations, lay-out and an initial print-run. We then sell the publications at low cost in order to subsidise the core of the organisational structure (which is very small) which has no direct funding at all. We find it very difficult to raise money because people who benefit from our charity are not suffering from life threatening illnesses, are not disabled, from particular minority ethnic groups or usually very poor. It is not a cause that people have sympathy for or empathy with unless they have personal experience of it in their family.
Oh. my bad then.
Hi Marilynn, I don’t know you and I’m not sure this post is really the place for this discussion, but I’m sort of assuming from your comment that you’re in the US? I just want to clarify, as an American living in Britain, that the models of fundraising and charity status are very different in the two countries. In the UK there is a very different attitude to private philanthropy, so though some people do ‘gift’ to organisations it is set up differently and doesn’t have the same incentive. I don’t have anything to do with the DCN organisation but my experience of them as someone in need of support and advice has thus far been hugely positive, and I think any costs they charge for materials just cover the costs of production (i.e. not ‘profit-making’). Obviously Olivia knows more about this than I do!
Thank you its now been explained to me and your correct I just learned that charity is a bit different there than here. I am coming at the subject thinking as I said while the advice is true about getting things out in the open being the best bet it concerned me that the source of funding would be those who need the info rather than other fundraising efforts. That is not the way its handled in the UK and now i know. Thank you.
Like would it not be nice if when they are older and someone remarks on their beautiful eyes if they said something like “My eyes came from my bio-dad and but my creative vision came from my Father”. You know? So they are comfortable with being who they are and understanding how different people shaped them into the person they are as an adult.
Thank you for this post! Olivia’s post also gave me a lot of food-for-thought… as a not-yet (but hopefully soon) DI parent I worry a lot about these kinds of things, how will I react to comments about appearance etc? Right now I feel worried that I’ll be really sensitive about it, although from talking to other people at the DCN meetings and elsewhere I also get the sense that the feeling of touching a raw nerve fades a little over time? Or do you feel like it hasn’t really lessened since your children have gotten a bit older?